sink into oblivion

Unwanted.

2008-10-17T03:09:00.000-07:00

Unwanted.

you`ve trapped my mind. clasping the cage shut and hiding it from the outside world. i cannot feel, i cannot see, i cannot breathe. you torture me, throwing away every single idea that has ever processed in the one place i thought only i could have. a sadist, you tore me away from my outer beauty, and now i can`t seem to replace my own skin. i cannot seem to open myself up, you`ve damaged me, cut a hole in the places that matter most. my tears have dried up, my pores have shut, i am nothing.

is this what you wanted.? pure intoxication from emotions. i sit here, lying in my past grief. those hypocrites killed me. i`ve often wondered what it would be like to life in a life of cherished faith. but i will never see those memories, never touch those surroundings. i`ve tried effortlessly to pull away from you, but i cannot seem to find the answers...

my own heart killed me.

overdosed and ready to fall.

2008-08-26T12:41:00.000-07:00

overdosed and ready to fall.

i`m so sick of this.

look at you, crying on the floor.

your makeup is running, your clothes are all dirty.

you`re a pathetic waste of space.

your skin has turned to a tagboard.

lapping up any sourse of liquid you could possible conjure into yourself.

everything is unreal, surreal.

you`re slowly slipping, but no one can help you.

you admire the addict.?

i admire the addicts demise.

puppet, puppet, puppet.

allowing manipulation to tug at your plastic strings.

i hate the person you have came to be.

and my heart doesn`t sink for you.

you admire the addict.
i admire the antidote.

look at me, i`m a failed attempt.

2008-08-22T08:55:00.000-07:00

look at me, i`m a failed attempt.

is it wrong to feel alone.?
i can feel myself tugging at my sheets at night, missing someone who isn`t and was never there.
i can`t help but feel insecure, nobody in the world could understand my stress.
you love me, you`d do anything for me but be with me.
i can`t take the rejections.
it feels like i`m the only one in the world who will not allow myself to have anyone.

but the truth is...
i am alone.
i do feel weak.

i want someone there to be my backbone when i feel my defenses are down.
i want someone there who will understand and accept everything i`ve gone through and who i am.
i want someone to hold me.
i want someone to care.
i want someone who i can actuallytell everything to and not feel liek they won`t believe me or stray away in fear.

or maybe i`m just wrong.
maybe that will never be the life set out for me.
but either way....i still feel alone sometimes.

somebody shoot me.

depression has fell into my head. and now every excuse to let it fall out will be released.

sometimes. i really hate me.

operation error.

2008-08-22T08:27:00.000-07:00

operation error.

sometimes i feel i cannot control my feelings.

but then, other times, i realize i really dont care.

i wake up everyday on the wrong side of the bed.

i won`t lay down on the floor, like i`m the whore in your head.

i woke up from a dream a couple years ago at 3am.

scared shitless i walked down the stairs and realized i wasnt alone.

call me a failure, pretender, sex offender, infector.

say i killed all my friends, and i deserve to be dead.

but everything`s alright now.

i know my place in life and i accept it.

and you can suck my dick if you think of me otherwise.

Goodnight to a nation.

2008-08-04T20:28:00.000-07:00

Goodnight to a nation.

On the far east side of a little city called Naef, two mangled crosses stood. One bearing the words 'BELIEVE' and the other, 'DECIEVE'. Blood covered the ground and two bodies were found; one nailed to the bottom of each cross by their throats, each had promptly bled to death. Their profiles were soon taken down by the two men who came to the scene, one, a detective by the name of Archer Barton, and the other, a well known forensics investigator and high up in ranking on the more peculiar cases, Thomas Wickham. They were also joined by several of the Naef general police devision force, who immediatley taped off the surrounding area and ordered every innocent bystander to return to their homes.

Barton took the last drag off his cigarette as he slowly approached the horrific scene, blood dripping off the crosses like a leaking sink faucet as he turned to Wickham, "can you believe all of this...?" Haito brushed his fingers through his hair as he scratched his scalp lightly, "...i`d really like to just ignore it all..."

This type of activity was so uncommon in the quiet city of Naef. It was a nice town, one of London`s most cherished. And, one of it`s oldest. People from all around the world love to come and see it`s historical wonders. And with all of these murderers and other odd happenings going on, who would want to visit here.? With such a small population other than tourists, it`s no wonder the city is in a slight secretive panic. A murderer walking freely around.? People wonder how this could be possible, how could they be hiding, and most of all, how long have they been here.?

Police sirens and radios sounded all througfh the night. This was the third case similar to this one in the same week. Barton and Wickham couldn`t put any peices of the puzzle together because, well, there were none. This person left no traces, just messages. Messages that...no one could exaclty put together. The first case, a young man outside of a local bar named "THE TABERNACLE". The bar was known to be one of those, 'secret gothik vampire hide-outs', even though everyone knew about it. The man had been mangled, completely ripped apart. But, even though hundreds of people venture into that bar each night, no one claimed they saw anything. The message left for him was written quite clearly above the stall in the bathroom where he was murdered, it read "COWARD".

The second one, a man a little older than the first, found in the back of an old bricked-in alleyway. His hands had been removed and they still have not been recovered. The two buildings surrounding the alleyway was a rather popular jewelry shop and an old beat down thrift store. Nothing made sense with the area...or anything, in that matter. The message for this victim was smeared in blood above him on the alley wall. It read, "THEIF".

And now, these two young men. With the messages "BELIEVE" and "DECIEVE". It all made no sense to Barton or Wickham. Nor to any of the other investigators or police officers. It was all just some gigantic blur that they couldn`t manage to clear up. They usually always had at least three suspects by the second killing. But this..., nothing ever added up. No one was ever there on the night of the killings, all of them had voutures, all of them told the truth. Not a single form of DNA fell to any of the crime scenes. Whoever Barton and Wickham were messing with, was a true genius.

-Somewhere in the inner city of Naef-

The "Limit Breaker" was a very well known bar in the inner city of Naef, attracting various types of people, and even tourists from around the world. Aurora happen to be one of these tourists, walking in camera in hand, and taking a seat in the very front of the bar as she met eyes with the bartender. "Hello darling, would you care for a drink.?" Aurora giggled a little as she moved the cigarette she was holding in between her lips to the ash tray before her. "Sure, why not.? I`ll have a scotch. Yes, that sounds nice about now. On the rocks, please." The bartender winked at Aurora, "a fine choice, but, don`t you think it`s a bit late for such a hard drink.?" He gestured a free hand to the clock, "it`s going on midnight." Aurora laughed, "nothing`s too late for me, sweetie." The bartender laughed again, nodding to the girl as he walked off to retreive her drink. Aurora then turned and leaned on the bar stand, lookign around the area as she witnessed couples dancing, groups of men and women drinking, loud celebrations, birthday parties, there was everything here.

Time passed, and after about three different types of scotches and loads of flirting with the cute bartender, Aurora was ready to call it a night. "You`re not going to drive, are you.?" The bartender reached out and grabbed ahold of Aurora`s arm, stopping her dead in her tracks. She turned her head and smiled, "of course not, you think i`m that stupid.? I know my limits, I`ll take a cab." He then released her, "But...thanks for the concern. See you later." With that, she waved to the bartender, who happily waved back, and walked out of the bar.

As she stepped outside she immediatley felt the semi-cold wind brush against her cheeks, causing her to zip her jacket up and adjust her scarf. She pulled out another cigarette, and atempted to light it, but, after countless efforts, she finally gave victory to the wind and stepped into the alleyway right next to the bar. As she stepped into the alley and successfully lit her cigarette, she looked ahead of her to study the place she had just wandered into. Everything looked completely normal until she looked at the ground, and immediatley froze in fear. She then re-adjusted herself, and lightly laughing drunkly to herself as she walked forward a bit to a person sitting on the ground, their back against the alley wall. "Oh, my, mister, you scared me. Really, now what`re you doing down there.? Wind too much for you.?" The man didn`t move, but moved his eyes to meet hers, "Are you drunk.?" The man stared at her, not moving, and his voice was utterly apathetic. She waved her hand in front of her face a couple times before she spoke, "Pfft.! Well, just a little. But, what does that have anything to do with the question I asked you.?" She walked twoards the unmoved man a little more before he moved his right arm up as if to say 'stop', although that was the only part of him that moved, and Aurora indeed stopped. "No, just, go home. It`s dangerous around here, especially for little girls." Aurora stepped back a little, "hah, well, i`m so glad that you`re concerned, but really, do i look like a little girl to you.?" The man then stood, his long black jacket hitting the floor as he tunred to face her. He didn`t stand very tall, but his eyes were peircing, and from what Aurora could see, he looked pretty pissed off. She then waved her hands in front of her face again, "heyyy now, look, if you were that serious about all of this...then you should have said so in the first place." Her voice was shaky, and even though she wanted to move, she couldn`t. The man then took a step forward, "it`s really unwise to play games with strangers, especially ones hidden in dark alleyways at night don`t you agree.?" Aurora didn`t speak, the closer he got to her, the more fear struck into her. "What.? Can`t answer a simple question now.? Don`t you think your actions were unwise.? Huh.!?" Aurora didn`t know what to do, she attempted to move again, and this time, dropping her cigarette. This man was scaring the shit out of her, he just looked so angry, full of bottled up hatred, and she didn`t know what to do. So, she did what every person does in distress. Scream. And it wasn`t even three seconds after she opened her mouth that she felt a huge pressure on the side of her head, causing her vision to go blurry and her mouth to shut. She then felt a jolt of pain on the right side of her body, then after that, nothing.

-Downtown Naef police headquarters-

Barton leaned back in his seat as he examined the photos from each crime over and over again. Nothing ever made sense, and they were trying everything in their power to put any type of clue together. "Goddamnit...there has to be something this fucker left behind. No one can just, kill someone, then up and leave without leaving AT LEAST a hair behind." Barton exclaimed as he paced the room, cigarette in hand. "Just relax, Archer, we`ll find him. He has to fuck up some time or another. We`ll just wait for that moment--" But before Wickham could finish, he was cut off, "and do what.? Just sit here and allow more people to be murdered.? We can`t jsut sit here and allow this creep to have his way with all these innocent people.! We have to make a move.!" Wickham re-adjusted himself in the seat and glared up at his partner, "then...what do you suggest we do, detective.? I mean, please, I`m all up for suggestions here." He then threw the pamflet of photos on the floor before Barton. "You and I both know that there isn`t a damn thing we can do. We`ll just have to wait. And you causing a ruckus over things and losing your mind definatley isn`t going to assist the matter in any way." Wickham stood up and lit a cigarette before walking past Barton to exit the room, "I`m going to sleep, and you should do the same. Don`t worry, he WILL fuck up, and when he does, we`ll be there, waiting."

-Unknown location-

The sounds of loud music and tapping sounds awoke Aurora. At first, she was completely calm as she gazed around the room she was placed in. But then, as she began to realize this room she was in was not hers, she immediatley jolted her head up, pulling as hard as she could to try and make her legs and arms move. But she had been bound to a chair with tightly knitted ropes. She began to cry, and scream. No one came though. It then hit her. She could now recall everything that had happened in that alleyway before she blacked out. She looked around the room, one doorway, no door. Dark, no lighting, it didn`t look like this room was used very often. The ceiling dripped, the floor was covered with a thin layer of water, dirty water at that. It just didn`t look like a very friendly place. At all. This caused her panic to rise, but this time, no screams, only silent tears and wide eyes followed by heavy breaths and the repeated phrase "oh, god..." She attempted to pull her hands free from the ropes, and finally after many tears and severe rope burns, her hands and feet were free. She was bleeding from the burns, so bad from one leg she had aquired a limp. She, quietly as she could, walked out of the room. Instant pain jolted up her legs as the dirty water soaked into her fresh wounds, and her hands turned black quickly as she touched the unkept stone walls. This looked kind of like a living room, but then, as she examined the area more, Aurora spotted a set of stairs straight ahead of herself. That`s where she was...a basement. This part looked the same as the room, only there were nails beat into the walls with various saws and knives hanging from them. Taking a step back before walking any further, Aurora caught her breath, then, placing her right hand over her heart, crouched down and began to walk out of the room. Those staris were her ticket out of here, and she needed to get to them as soon as possible. But, as soon as she got the slightest bit across the room, the sound of a chainsaw blew through Aurora`s ears, causing her to scream and drop to the ground. Suddenly, her eyes were fixed on the staircase, which now had a young man falling down them, blood splattering all over the walls on each side. Aurora couldn`t move, as at the top of the stairs was now a sillhouette of another man, who held a chainsaw high above his head, waving it around like a prize screaming "WOO.!!" as he plummed down the stairs after the now screaming man and dug the chainsaw deep into the man`s chest. Aurora screamed as she heard bones cracking, screaming, laughing, blood splattering everywhere. It was all too much for her. Then, all the sudden the chainsaw was flung over at Aurora, but missed her, flying into the room she had just walked out from. Her eyes followed the flying machine, but then turned her head back once she felt a light hit her face. As soon as she opened her eyes, another set was staring straight into hers not even an inch away. She screamed, then backed against the wall as she looked into the man`s face, the same face she saw in the alleyway. He laughed as she pulled away, then hummed his flashlight against the wall, causing it to shatter. "why`re you out of your chair, miss.?" At this point, there was no way any striaght words would escape from Aurora`s lips. Instead, all that came out were cracky high pitched whiny sounds, then as she tried her hardest to clear her throat, shaky words were all that escaped. There was no way anyone could make sense of what she was desperatley trying to spit out. The man, who at first had just bent down to her level, now placed his hands on the filthy ground so he could sit indian-style across from her. As soon as he hit the floor, Aurora scrambled to gain her bearing back so she could attempt to get up and run. But...run to where.? There was no where she could go. She then fell back, as the pressure she had applied to her badly burnt and bloodied hands when she tried to get up gave way. The man laughed, noticing her burn wounds, "at first, i admired the fact that you somehow got out of those ropes...but now, i see that, you`re just an idiot who doesn`t care about some pain..." Aurora screamed as loud as she could, tears bellowing out of her sore eyes as she fell on her back, cradling her wounded hands against her now bloody chest. It was too dark in the area to tell what all was going on, which made Aurora freak out even more. She cried and screamed some more, until after a couple seconds, she forced herself to stop and listen. Her eyes shifted as she slowly began to realize that the man was no longer sitting at her feet. She bolted upwards, letting out a big breath as she saw no one was there. Her eyes searched the room without her moving an inch, where could he have gone.? She hadn`t been lying on the floor for more than a couple seconds. She didn`t hear him move, walk away...anything. Her whole body shook ferociously as she climbed helplessly to her feet, her balance unmatched with her footsteps, causing her to stumble on every groove in the poorly made floor, and the pain from the murky water grew heavier in her legs. She couldn`t see anything except for a faint glow the light at the top of the now blood painted walls of the staircase provided for her tear glazed eyes. She threw herself against the wall, hoping it would help with her steps as well as her navigation. The smell of blood filled the air as she remembered about the man who was just tossed down to the place she was standing. She looked around, although she couldn`t see much of anything, and was petrified that she would see the man, dismembered and wide eyed, broken shattered bones and guts sprawled every which way. Just the thought of it made her gag and close her eyes. She gave a few silent 'hello`s' just to make sure he was dead, then proceeded to her goal. And before she knew it and was prepared for it, she was standing at the bottom of the staircase, breathing heavily as she peered to the top, completley frightend on what could be in store for her once she landed on the last step.

the diaries of a somewhat lost soul.

2008-07-31T08:41:00.001-07:00

the diaries of a somewhat lost soul.

take a step back once and a while to remind yourself who you really are. a sadist, sitting alone in what once was called the greatest place on earth. your mind.

freedom, it rings like tornado sirens in the back of your mind. and now your neck hurts from all the unnoticed pressure and you can`t seem to cure the headache.

bruises, the only things you know to be true in your life, the only things you know that will keep coming. i had a dream the other night where i was god and everyone raged war against me and nailed me to the ground.

so mush for modesty. but in this lifetime the only things you can count on existing are abuse and prosthetic tranquility. the light at the end of the tunnel that you just can`t seem to reach. it calls your name, but you can`t wash away our sins fast enough to discover peace.

maybe someday i`ll kill someone famous. someone everyone adores. then as soon as their last breath escapes their chest, i`ll be there, preaching the streets to a dying breed about how i never understood life so i decided to kill someone to make me feel alive.

step two on knowing if in fact you are crazy. it`s simple, step out into thje street with wire cutters to your throat. if you get out of this expeience with nothing but a few laughs, you`re crazy. and if you wind up in jail, well, then i`m sorry for wasting your time.

RING AROUND THE NEIGHBORS.

POCKET FULL OF RAZORS.

SLASHES, SLASHES,

WE ALL FALL DOWN.

i`ll have two bags, please.

2008-07-31T06:16:00.000-07:00

i`ll have two bags, please.

to some people, memories can seem like a bag of dirt that a child hold onto and claims that it`s fairy dust. a very akward feeling of the parent, seeing your child hold onto this bag for so long, claiming that it is something it`s not. but, you don`t tell them though, instead you allow them to go on living their life thinking that they had really discovered something great. to me, memories that are similarto fairy dust stories are the ones you need to cherish. those are the memories that onlyYOU can can understand how wonderful it was, and only you who can remember them. to your parent, yes, it was a bagof dirt, but for you, it was fairy dust you recovered from the high wizard so that you could sabve the magical kingdom. only you hold that memory, andonly you can cherish that.

hold onto everything you`ve ever thought to be ludacris once you got older.
because those are the only memories in your life that you will actuaslly enjoy recalling on.

don`t you think i`m fucking funny.?

2008-07-29T20:21:00.000-07:00

don`t you think i`m fucking funny.?

don`t tell anyone, or i`ll kill your whole fucking family. i mean it, i`ll fucking slaughter them.

someone once told me that intimidation is the worlds way of saying F YOU to society. which; to me, never made sense until now. and even now i have a bunch of conclusions running through my ADD mind. -sigh- yuh son.

just thought i`d throw that out there.

my own heart killed me.

2008-07-28T12:25:00.000-07:00

my own heart killed me.

i never suspected that i would ever meet someone who cared for me so much that they wouldn`t die until i told them everything was alright. for years i had waitied on the other side of the spectrum to see some sort of light, a sign, anything that would allow me to know that i`m alive. my feelings and emotions had been tied up, and no one knew who i really was.

pull the plug.
no, wait i`ve just begun.
you never said you loved me, so i still have the will to live.

once i let him know, he was at peace.
drop the plug and let me know you`re still here.
baby, please let me share this night with you.

i swear it never rained so much after that night.
it took me several days to gainthe courage to let the water hit my skin.

i swear...i just wanted to live that moment with you.

dancing; yeah. i danced in it. after about a week of a complete pourdown, i finally decided to break my own barrier and surround myself in rain water. and i loved every second of it. but not even an hour after i stepped back inside, soaking wet, crying, laughing, it stopped.

yeah, you can`t hide baby, i know it was your doing.

life is beautiful.

2008-07-28T00:23:00.000-07:00

life is beautiful.

i`m having a conversation with god. wipe away the tears that you souly created and watch me bleed from a cut that you promtly slashed into me. i`m not your fucking toy, i can be independant. you`ll see, one day i shall rise above anything that you ever thought i couldn`t do without you in me. all you do is hold me back, but i seem to love it. the way you talk to me through paper and drawings and stories. i absolutely adore it. but now comes a time to where i cannot just sit here and act like everything i`ve put myself through in the past five years has just been a big ball of regret. i cannot allow myself to stoop to that level of ignorance. i`l accept your slashes, your beatings, your temper, and your love. i`ll accept everything you`ve ever done.

you know i could never in my life forget you.
you`re my tool, my other half, my anger, my friend.

Hurry up, hurry up, wrist cut show.

2008-07-27T15:34:00.000-07:00

hurry up, hurry up, wrist cut show.

It`s been a long while since i`ve had the courage to post a public blog. but, i guess sooner or later all your defenses must take a fall. Right now i`m at a moment in my life where i`d just like to step back and let my other half rule me. It seems like at every turn there`s something i wish to hide myself from, rather it be emotional, mental, or physical. One day, nothing is going right, the next day, i have the world. But right now, i`m completely restless. Damaged cells run through my veins. I cannot quit thinking too much, and i know that will be the end of me. I think my main problem is that i expect so much out of my small body that i begin to pass out mentally and don`t even realize it until it`s far too late.

But, enough of that pity party.
I think it`s time to smoke.
It`s pretty relaxing here, though.
No worries at all.
Everyone`s so nice and nurturing.
You`ll always feel home here.

I`m just afraid that i`ll wind up becoming someone with nothing but ice running through my veins. And that whole situation would seem fine to me.....if i thought for one second i could control it.